former hp executive carly fiorina is running for us president

I initially found it difficult to process how Carly Fiorina can announce that she’s running for President of the United States, flaunt her business wisdom as a reason for why members of the Party of No Brains should feel compelled to nominate her, and then not expect the rest of us with any sense to laugh of groan.

Her leadership of technology giant Hewlett Packard was such a horror show—as an example, she merged HP with $33 billion Compaq to corner the personal computer market just when PC demand began its permanent journey to a state of nadir—that the grandsons of Mssrs. Hewlett and Packard beefed about Fiorina to the public—after she was fired.

I didn’t forget how she may have lied about serving on an external advisory board of the Central Intelligence Agency. I can’t be certain of whether or not her CIA service is a fairy tale since the government responded to a FOIA request with a box filled with blank sheets of paper…

She’s also trifling. The self-proclaimed PoNBs sage of business may not even vote for herself since she has a habit of skipping out of elections in her state.

Oh, and we have the perennially spectacular “Sheep” Senate primary ad from 2010. Watch business marketing genius at work:

And then, a name popped into my head during my giggle spell that explained matters: Kurt Rambis!

carly fiorina is like kurt rambis

Perhaps some background is required for people who never followed ancient National Basketball Association history. Rambis created his fame as a forward for the Los Angeles Lakers.

While most basketball players are tasked with scoring as many points as possible or directly preventing the opposing team’s players from running up the scoreboard, Rambis had a different sort of gig: to be The Enforcer.

Which meant Rambis had to continually throw his six-foot eight-inch frame onto opposing players, thus forcing them into varying states of anger, frustration, injury, submission or violent tendencies.

While both were paid well, neither Rambis nor Fiorina were superstars in their selected gigs—although you could argue that Rambis didn’t suck at basketball at all, and did a better job at protecting the paint on the hardwood than Fiorina ever did as a protector of citizens or shareholder value.

BUT…as a woman, Fiorina could channel her inner Rambis by hanging out underneath the backboards during her campaign and attacking Hillary Clinton, the presumed Party of No Guts‘ choice for President, and punch holes in Clinton’s credibility without fear of being labeled a sexist. In fact, Fiorina is already on the case:

And if Fiorina—by some remote chance—becomes president, the PoNBs would claim that acievement as a bonus event.

After all, would Pat Riley complain back in the 80s if Rambis did something crazy like, hit a jumper?

song currently stuck in my head: “risin’ to the top” – keni burke

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